The last few days have been life changing. I feel like I have gone through grief process but in a different order. I know we are not going to get past this for awhile, but I feel like we are able to move forward.
On Monday I had to untell the few people at work that knew we were expecting. My friends have been fantastic. They have been the support I was needing. I think they know we well enough to not expect me to hug and cry but instead talk about it openly. Right now I am in the process of trying to understand my guilt and why things happened. It is completely normal from what I have read for all women to feel guilt. I am questioning everything thing I ate, everything I did and wondering if there is something I did not do. The doctors and the research say its nothing you did but they also don't know why it happened. So I don't believe they can say I did not cause it or prevent it. I think I have a healthy grip on my feelings but I do need to experience them all.
The other big emotion right now is fear. Fear of not being able to get pregnant again, fear of another miscarriage. Fear is a hard emotion to control. I don't think it is something I will get over. I imagine the next few months will be very nerve wrecking and when we do get pregnant again I will be terrified of another miscarriage until the day I deliver.
I went to the doctors yesterday and she confirmed the miscarriage that was diagnosed at the ER last Friday. The waiting game of actually passing the pregnancy can go on for weeks. The longer it goes on the higher the risk of infection or a complication. Since it has already been at least 2 weeks since the pregnancy stopped developing we decided to schedule a D&C for Friday. I will be put under annasticia and the doctor will surgically remove the remainder of the pregnancy. We felt this is the best option for us. We will no longer have the anxiety of wonder when things will happen or rather it will happen while we are on vacation.
I am at the point now where I am ready to move forward. I am ready for Friday to be my Day 1 of recovery.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Planted on Earth, To Bloom in Heaven
On Sunday, June 10th I woke up with some pain just below my right rib cage. Since it was going on for almost 24hours Justin suggested we go to the ER. I reluctantly said yes. We arrived at the local ER at 930am. They took me back immediately and had Justin go to registration to sign me in. The nurse did the usual blood pressure, temperature checks and all the basic questions. The doctor did some poking around and decided I should get an ultra sound of my gallbladder, kidney and; stomach. They also ran bloodwork. Everything from the gallbladder area came back fine. I was then asked to give a urine sample (I could not when I arrived). From that I was told I had a bladder infection and the shocker I am PREGNANT! You would not have seen 2 more shocked people than Justin and I. It was the furthest thing from my mind. For the next thirty minutes or so I was awkwardly laughing in shock. We had lots of thoughts going through our heads from how far along could I be? Is this what is causing my pain? The doctor ran the HCG levels to give us a better idea of the timing. It came back at 158. This meant I was very early in the pregnancy. (Around 4 weeks)
The next day I went to my normal health care provider to get a blood test done. They confirmed I was pregnant and set up my referral. Over the next week Justin and I both became very excited. We truly believe that God has control of our lives and we accept his will. This baby was meant to be apart of our lives and we are excited. Looking back this is a great way to get pregnant. Trying to get pregnant with Alexa was very stressful. We spent 5 1/2 months tracking ovulation and taking pregnancy tests. We also found out very early in the pregnancy. By the time Alexa was born 13 1/2 months after we started trying we were ready. It was a very long waiting time. So this time around we will not have quite the wait.
Justin told a few of his friends who already moved and I told my closest Kansas friend. We also each told a few people at work. Justin wanted his boss to know so he can explain all the doctor visits and in case I were to be hospitalized early again. I told a few coworkers just so they would know I was OK once the morning sickness kicks in.
We really want to tell our families in person. The first family member we will see is my sister, brother in law and nephew in July. I really hope I can make it that long without spilling the beans. We will then have to decide if we tell more family as we see them or wait until we are all together Labor Day weekend. (11 weeks from now)!!!!
The weekend after I found out I was pregnant I had some minor spotting and; sudden sharp pains that would come unprovoked. Spent the next week praying it was nothing more than pregnancy aches and pains.
June 22nd (5Weeks 6 Days) was my first OB appointment. Everyone at the new office is great. I had blood drown, standard weight check and pregnancy questions asked. The doctor suggested we get a sonogram down to check on the pain I have been experiencing. 5 more days until that appointment!
June 27th was our first ultra sound. We were able to rule out an ectopic pregnancy & we also saw the yolk sac. The nurse said I was too early to see baby (before 6 weeks). I knew right then that was not correct. I rationalized with myself that I may have ovulated later than I thought. The nurse marked it as a threatened miscarriage and wanted to see me back in 2 weeks. Everything went as normal for the next week.
On July 5th (my 25th birthday) I started spotting. This spotting was different than the first because it was red not brown. I tried not to worry too much. The next morning I had increased spotting. I called the doctors office and was advised to go to the emergency room.
Once in the ER I had a urine and blood test done. My HCG level was 23,800. This was a bit behind for 8weeks 4 days. It was more like 6 1/2 weeks. I knew however I should have been around 7 1/2 weeks. We were sent for an ultra sound. We knew as soon as it started that it was as we expected. There was no baby & no heart beat. There was little change from what we saw 9 days prior. The nurse tried several different ways to view the uterus. The sack was no the round shape it should have been.
Once we were taken back to our room we were given a miscarriage folder and they wrote me a prescription for pain medicine. I was REALLY hoping things would move quickly from that point. However in the last 24 hours, nothing has changed. The spotting has completely stopped and now we just wait. I will call my doctors office on Monday morning. My follow up ultra sound is scheduled for Wednesday, but I do not want to wait that long.
Today we went to the craft store and bought a shadow box. We filled it with Alexa's big sister shirt, our ultra sound picture, pregnancy tests, my hospital bracelet & a babies breathe flower. It is our way of honoring, recognizing and remembering this precious baby.
If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever.
The next day I went to my normal health care provider to get a blood test done. They confirmed I was pregnant and set up my referral. Over the next week Justin and I both became very excited. We truly believe that God has control of our lives and we accept his will. This baby was meant to be apart of our lives and we are excited. Looking back this is a great way to get pregnant. Trying to get pregnant with Alexa was very stressful. We spent 5 1/2 months tracking ovulation and taking pregnancy tests. We also found out very early in the pregnancy. By the time Alexa was born 13 1/2 months after we started trying we were ready. It was a very long waiting time. So this time around we will not have quite the wait.
Justin told a few of his friends who already moved and I told my closest Kansas friend. We also each told a few people at work. Justin wanted his boss to know so he can explain all the doctor visits and in case I were to be hospitalized early again. I told a few coworkers just so they would know I was OK once the morning sickness kicks in.
We really want to tell our families in person. The first family member we will see is my sister, brother in law and nephew in July. I really hope I can make it that long without spilling the beans. We will then have to decide if we tell more family as we see them or wait until we are all together Labor Day weekend. (11 weeks from now)!!!!
The weekend after I found out I was pregnant I had some minor spotting and; sudden sharp pains that would come unprovoked. Spent the next week praying it was nothing more than pregnancy aches and pains.
June 22nd (5Weeks 6 Days) was my first OB appointment. Everyone at the new office is great. I had blood drown, standard weight check and pregnancy questions asked. The doctor suggested we get a sonogram down to check on the pain I have been experiencing. 5 more days until that appointment!
June 27th was our first ultra sound. We were able to rule out an ectopic pregnancy & we also saw the yolk sac. The nurse said I was too early to see baby (before 6 weeks). I knew right then that was not correct. I rationalized with myself that I may have ovulated later than I thought. The nurse marked it as a threatened miscarriage and wanted to see me back in 2 weeks. Everything went as normal for the next week.
On July 5th (my 25th birthday) I started spotting. This spotting was different than the first because it was red not brown. I tried not to worry too much. The next morning I had increased spotting. I called the doctors office and was advised to go to the emergency room.
Once in the ER I had a urine and blood test done. My HCG level was 23,800. This was a bit behind for 8weeks 4 days. It was more like 6 1/2 weeks. I knew however I should have been around 7 1/2 weeks. We were sent for an ultra sound. We knew as soon as it started that it was as we expected. There was no baby & no heart beat. There was little change from what we saw 9 days prior. The nurse tried several different ways to view the uterus. The sack was no the round shape it should have been.
Once we were taken back to our room we were given a miscarriage folder and they wrote me a prescription for pain medicine. I was REALLY hoping things would move quickly from that point. However in the last 24 hours, nothing has changed. The spotting has completely stopped and now we just wait. I will call my doctors office on Monday morning. My follow up ultra sound is scheduled for Wednesday, but I do not want to wait that long.
Today we went to the craft store and bought a shadow box. We filled it with Alexa's big sister shirt, our ultra sound picture, pregnancy tests, my hospital bracelet & a babies breathe flower. It is our way of honoring, recognizing and remembering this precious baby.
If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever.
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