“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.” - C.S. Lewis

The last few days have been life changing. I feel like I have gone through grief process but in a different order. I know we are not going to get past this for awhile, but I feel like we are able to move forward.

On Monday I had to untell the few people at work that knew we were expecting. My friends have been fantastic. They have been the support I was needing. I think they know we well enough to not expect me to hug and cry but instead talk about it openly. Right now I am in the process of trying to understand my guilt and why things happened. It is completely normal from what I have read for all women to feel guilt. I am questioning everything thing I ate, everything I did and wondering if there is something I did not do. The doctors and the research say its nothing you did but they also don't know why it happened. So I don't believe they can say I did not cause it or prevent it. I think I have a healthy grip on my feelings but I do need to experience them all.

The other big emotion right now is fear. Fear of not being able to get pregnant again, fear of another miscarriage. Fear is a hard emotion to control. I don't think it is something I will get over. I imagine the next few months will be very nerve wrecking and when we do get pregnant again I will be terrified of another miscarriage until the day I deliver.

I went to the doctors yesterday and she confirmed the miscarriage that was diagnosed at the ER last Friday. The waiting game of actually passing the pregnancy can go on for weeks. The longer it goes on the higher the risk of infection or a complication. Since it has already been at least 2 weeks since the pregnancy stopped developing we decided to schedule a D&C for Friday. I will be put under annasticia and the doctor will surgically remove the remainder of the pregnancy. We felt this is the best option for us. We will no longer have the anxiety of wonder when things will happen or rather it will happen while we are on vacation.

I am at the point now where I am ready to move forward. I am ready for Friday to be my Day 1 of recovery.