Being pregnant was one of the most confusing and exciting times of my life. I became overly aware of my body and the precious life growing inside of me. I tried to anticipate what life would be like as a family of three, what kind of mother I would be and what kind of parents Justin and I would be together. We bought everything we thought we would need. I did lots of reading in hopes of being prepared. Parenting is not something you can fully prepare for. Although the reading does help a bit. Even the uninvited advice is irrelevant until you are holding your baby in your arms. I really believe Justin either had an odd sense of confidence or really knew ahead of time parenthood was not something you can understand before hand. He did not worry about which brand of diapers, rather Alexa had a bumper in her crib or if they hospital bag was packed two months ahead of time.
The first few months of parenting are full of giving your new delicate baby everything she needs. Every little sound means you jump to your feet and try to resolve whatever discomfort she may have. As time goes on your eagerness to cater to your growing baby slows a bit. Now that I have a self feeding, independent playing toddler things have really changed. Instead of feeling like Alexa was the strange, new exciting thing in our lives it feels more like she is one of the family. We do not make decisions and then factor in Alexa. We make decisions with Alexa in the back of our mind without effort. She is now a permanent part of our lives and it feels good.
At this time two years ago I was confident that I was having a son. In fact his name was going to be Lucas. I referred to him by his name in posts and was really excited about all the boy things head of us. On April 15Th, 2010 we found out the son we never really had was actually our future daughter. I wish I could say we were filled with nothing but excitement. However we were both in shock. I remember standing outside the room asking Justin if he was excited. He said he was but it felt odd. Those confused feeling went away rather quickly. The next day we saw "Alexa" on a 4D ultrasound. From that day forward the idea of having a daughter was a dream come true for a dream I never knew I had.
Now that Alexa is well into the toddler years I have an endless craving for our mother/daughter relationship. Every time she wants her toe nails painted, bows put in her hair or just the cute like cues my heart melts. I instantly go back to the moment when I found out I was having a daughter and it makes everything worth it. I do not want to sound naive about the future. I do know we will have our ups and downs. However I know there will be lots of great memories and lots of love to go around. Having a daughter is one of my greatest prides.
The fear of raising my daughter to be everything I want her to be is also scary. There is no single manual that says if you do x,y & z you will raise a confident, successful, loving girl inside and out. Every interaction I have with her is shaping who she will be for the rest of her life. The daycare I put her in, the meals I cook her, the shows she watches on TV all have an impact on who Alexa Cox will be. The daunting task of raising a daughter is not something I take lightly. Wanting the best life for my daughter also requires me to put myself in the backseat. Although I would love to keep Alexa all to myself I know that is not what is best for her. I know spending time at school, time with family without me and time with other adults will help prepare her for her life outside of nursery rhymes and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. I know I have to take her to get shots, teach her boundaries and even how to use the potty. But how do we know that we are doing enough? There is no parenting report card and self reflection is not something I am an expert in.
So far now I will continue to love my daughter with all my heart. I will pray about every aspect of parenting. I will read the enormous amount of parenting books and even wish on 11:11. And yes Alexa, it is all worth it.
No comments:
Post a Comment